Midtown East & West
Everyone in the movies gets out of a taxi and arrives here. Times Square! Rock Center! Grand Central! But hey, you’re not in a movie and you’re probably still riding your 30 day MTA card so…
Pros: The Top of the Rock does have objectively beautiful views of the skyline.
Cons: Tourists. More tourists. GOD DAMN I JUST WANT TO GET TO 42ND STREET SUBWAY. Restaurant Row, aka the definition of irony.
Chelsea
Come for bottomless brunch and stay for those cute French bulldogs as you drink your mimosa. This area is great for single women (lots of compliments!), gay men, and people who like dogs. There are also a ton of art galleries if you’re one of those sophisticated types.
Pros: Chelsea Market. The High Line. Art galleries.
Cons: Feeling inferior next to all the hot, ripped, well-groomed gay men at the gym. This applies to both sexes.
Financial District / South Street Seaport
This area was looking forlorn after Wall Street moved uptown and Sandy engulfed this area, but now it's being "revitalized" with lots of chain stores. Rent is more affordable here, even in those ‘luxury’ apartments.
Pros: The Dead Rabbit. Easy access to Governor's Island in the summer.
Cons: Wait, where did everyone go? It’s 7PM.
East Village
Sprawling with good eats, good drinks and weird “New York-y” things, East Village is the destination for Manhattan dwellers on their off days. Who cares if it's annoying to get to via subway? If you live here, your friends will come to you.
Pros: Basically anything you want to eat or drink. Little Japan.
Cons: The hostess isn't joking about that 2 hour wait at 10:30pm for dinner.
Alphabet City
Alphabet City has a strong sense of neighborhood and lots of great food and bars. While it is even more impossible to access via subway than East Village, this does help decrease rent.
Pros: Neighbors that aren't assholes.
Cons: Some places can still be uneasy at night off when you veer off the main strip.
West Village
East Village's “classier” older sister. Drinks are more expensive, Cameron Diaz and other celebrities live here, and you'll have to auction off you and your spouse's liver to get a decent sized place here. Yes, it’s irritating to get to via subway, but if you live here you probably don’t take public transport anyway.
Pros: Every restaurant, bar, wine bar, coffeeshop or knick-knack store here will make you say "gosh, I love this decor!"
Cons: Chihuahuas dressed in clothes, have their nails painted, or have something else entirely un-canine-esque forced upon them. Snobby people.
Greenwich Village
(pronounced Gren-ich)
Greenwich Village is a slightly discombobulated but very cultural part of New York City. There’s lots of great food (many of them cheap options for students) plus some great comedy and jazz places too. Rent prices are steep though, and demand high. Technically, West Village is part of Greenwich Village but everyone knows this is really a lie.
Pros: Cheap food (namely Artichoke and Mamoun's). Drunk food. Cheap bars. Washington Square Park.
Cons: Spoiled NYU kids.
Meatpacking
Once a not-particularly residential area, the High Line has made this area über posh in recent years. Dudes and aspirational trophy wives love to prowl this cobblestoned area at night, so you are best leaving your personality elsewhere.
Pros: Drunk men and women yelling, arguing, crying and the like at night which can be ferociously entertaining (or very annoying).
Cons: Newcomers or visitors to NYC trying to "go hard!!!!1111!!" + alcohol = you can only imagine.
Lower East Side
Once a grimy, literally slum-filled area of Manhattan is now one of the island's most expensive retail zip codes. Gentrification comes in the form of boozy brunch, rooftop bars, New American food and expensive pastries.
Pros: Less douch-ey bars and clubs than Meatpacking. Restaurant equipment and lighting stores…if you happen to be in the market for an industrial sausage maker or 3 story chandelier.
Cons: It’s 8pm and the entirety of Manhattan is here.
Chinatown/Little Italy
Not actually a bad area to live, if you don't mind being run over by little Asian grandmas with carts. The streets aren't the cleanest but heck, you'll have the best drunk food in town - and it's only $1! Anything and everything (including parts of animals you didn't know existed) is here and yours for the buying.
Pros: Excellent Asian food, primarily Chinese.
Cons: Terrible, Americanized Italian food with pushy greeters in Little Italy. The sea of counterfeit items along Canal St.
Soho/NoHo
South and North of Houston St. are both great east side choices (but let's face it...west side = best side). Unfortunately, SoHo has slowly become overrun by tourists shopping along Broadway and W. Broadway, so quell your sidewalk rage by finding somewhere slightly off the main strip.
Pros: Lot of coffeeshops and cute retail stores.
Cons: That one sweater costs more than your car.
TriBeca
Is a white loft your dream home / work space / gallery? Then TriBeCa is for you. There are also families here, but it is unclear where they reside. It’s in an incredibly inconvenient part of town, so rent can be reasonable at times. However, whatever you save in rent will probably be leeched away by very expensive (but mediocre) restaurants, plus there are strollers literally everyone.
Pros: Uh. The original Duane Reade?
Cons: A complete lack of personality.
Murray Hill / Turtle Bay / Kips Bay
Unless you work 18 hours a day crunching Excel and like to shotgun PBR outside a Meatpacking club during your weekends, this isn’t your hood.
Pros: Dirt cheap rent (for a reason).
Cons: All of your neighbors.
Gramercy
Don't be fooled, Gramercy is really Turtle Bay after approximately 2 levels of promotions, a wedding, and an unsubstantiated - but still haughty - love for "only the finest whiskies".
Pros: “Curry Hill”, or the plethora of Indian restaurants (of varying quality) along Lexington.
Cons: All of your neighbors. (Yes, still, but now you also have to suffer through baby photos).
Flatiron / Union Square
A neighborhood defined by what it is not. Not Chelsea and not Gramercy. However, all the unglamorous yet incredibly awesome New York perks are here.
Pros: Union Square Greenmarket. Madison Square Park (that means…original Shake Shack!). Two Trader Joe's AND a Whole Foods. Eataly. Flatiron building. Easy access from practically all the subway lines.
Cons: Broadway swerves to East side around here, watch out.
Garment District
The wholesale district for all clothes, bags, jewelry, and any other unnecessary accessories you may need. While some areas were once still empty lots, things are rapidly changing for this neighborhood with the extravagant Hudson Yards development. It is also close to Penn Station, if you feel the need to leave the best island for the That Other Island.
Pros: Koreatown. Flower District (all the good ones are gone by 8AM though). Hudson Yards if you’re into that kind of thing.
Cons: You'd be shocked how much a $35 minimum really means in a wholesale-priced store...
Upper West Side
This is a stroller friendly area. There’s a really big Trader Joe’s and Zabar’s. Sheep’s Meadow and Strawberry Fields is like, right there for family picnics.
Pros: Brownstones are the way to live. Such easy access to Central Park!
Cons: Convenient only to maybe Midtown, where you probably work. If you want some semblance of nightlife, make sure to live on an express stop.
Morningside Heights
Columbia kids may be too proud to say they haven't seen 99% of New York because they've spent all their time above 110th street, but you don't need to fall into the trap. There's nothing here to see, or eat, or do. Just go back downtown.
Pros: Columbia University does have a beautiful campus. The taco truck at 96th street and Broadway.
Cons: Everything is overpriced. Even your bananas from the local fruit man.
Upper East Side
If you have any idea what the TV show Gossip Girl is, rest assured it is a shockingly accurate portrayal of UES culture. Including, but not limited to, unwarranted devotion to Sarabeth's.
Pros: Museum Mile. Access to Central Park.
Cons: Really, really, really wealthy people with fountains, statues, and spiraling staircases in their homes. Take a peek and then go cry in your small closet downtown. Little Satan reincarnates dressed in designer clothes, barreling down the sidewalk bossing their nannies around.
East Harlem
You know things are looking up for a neighborhood when celebrities and polished gay men move in.
Pros: The only Costco on the island. Neil Patrick Harris lives here...somewhere!
Cons: As potentially the last of Manhattan's neighborhoods to become gentrified, there's some displeased tenants all around you.
Roosevelt Island
The mystery island that is only accessible via one F stop. And that tram thing.
Pros: ?
Cons: There have only been reported sightings.